Awesome holes

Happy September A-holes! & by "A" I mean Awesome. What? You've never seen an awesome hole? I have...here's one that catches donkey's for you:

 

That's pretty awesome. I want a donkey.

 

Now that I'm completely off subject (unless you have a pet donkey), I just wanted to stop by Linda Land to chat about my personal pet pieves....peeves? peives? I before E but not after C...

 

I don't have too many peeves & I'm sure this blog will make some people uncomfortable, you might laugh, you might call me an A-hole...the chocolate star fish kind. 

I'm ok with that, you were warned about the content of my future blogs in my first blog.

 

My Pet Peeves

 

1. Parents that call their kids harsh/rude names in public. 

Attention Fucktard, your kids will most likely end up calling you a Bitch, Dick, Asshole, etc when they decide they are grown adults.

I know how easy it can be to want to call your child a jerk-face when that child is being jerk-face, but have some control. Give your kid a chance at being a normal adult.

 

 

2. People that say "I know, right?"

I have heard most of my friends & family say this & I've learned to mute it, but where did this come from? How did everyone start saying it the same way? Did this come from a deleted movie scene from Clueless?

 

 

3. Their, There, They're (emails, texts & status updates)

I do not like there way of spelling when their trying to type they're message.

Typing that hurt my brain.

 

4. Live In-home Infomercials/Door to Door Solicitors (well, most)

I buy my steak at the store. I have an all purpose cleaning spray and did not pay $20 for it. I don't need four-2 year Magazine subcriptions to People magazine for myself & friends.

Yes, I will buy 20 boxes of your Samoas & Thin Mints.

 

5. The Princess Hand Shake

Stop being a Vagine.

I don't want to shake your fingers and make our first encounter awkward by having to ask you if you were born with a claw hand.

 

I can't apologize if you happen to do 1 or all of my Peeve's. I don't like you any less actually, being different and having your own quirks is what makes everyone an Awesome hole! Except the first Peeve, that one does make you kind of an Ass hole.

 

 

 

 

 

More fatty NOMS for my fat face!

Ahoy, Ahoy Scallywags! I'm back & ready to rock the mic like a vandal. In other words, I have shit to say that doesn't really matter, but for the sake of my friends that are in need of some type of useless entertainment to distract them from their 3pm time warp moment at their jay o bee's...here goes another "time wasting & potentially fattening" blog.

From me, to you, with love & crap.

This my Strawberry Mallow cupcake recipe....I lied, it's the recipe for the Mallow Frosting.

 It was hit at my friends Bachelorette party so here's how to add some more junk to your trunk & more chins to your chinese phone book.

BTW: I  had no time to make Stawberry cupcakes "from scratch" So you'll have to deal with having to make the "box" stuff. It was still delish so no crying.

Mallow Frosting:

1 Jar of Mallow Fluff (7-8 oz jar)

1 tspn of Vanilla Extract

1 Cup of Confectioners Sugar

2 Sticks of Butter (salted)

1. Let the 2 sticks of butter soften at room temperature for about 45 minutes. If you try to

   cream the butter when it's cold, you'll most likely have a baking rage moment.

2. To Cream the butter you'll need an electric whisk? mixer? ulimate ninja judo chopper? 

    Place the butter in a mixing bowl & Cream the butter until it is soft....you'll know you're

    done when it looks like you've just been lipo'd.

3. Stop to admire the butter, that shit is about to turn into awesome yumminess that has no

    business being consumed by fatties like me.

4. Add the Confectioners Sugar, Vanilla Extract, do a little dance, do a lotta mix, get down

    tonight.

5. Once it is all mixed together, Add about 1/2 of the jar of Fluff & mix 

   (dancing optional, getting down tonight is mandatory)

6. At this point it will start to smell amazing & if you're anything like me, you might as well

    just inject the frosting straight to your ass cheeks, thighs, face & gut.

7. Keep mixing the crap out of it until it has a "Linda" consistancy (Fluffy)

8. Shove your fat finger into the frosting & taste.

9. Now you can decide if it needs more fluff or if your taste buds have concurred with the

    outcome.

10. Put on your gym clothes & run for 8.7 miles....Frost & Enjoy.

The frosting will be enough for about 10-12 cupcakes

Double the portions if you need to make more

(fat ass)

& that is all from me....for now. Enjoy your frosting Scallywags!

Love, Your...

#1 Fluffy Scallywag

I'm back! Who wants some verbal vomit?

I know it's been forever since I've blogged about stupid non-sense crap. I have been trying to get my fat ass back in verbal vomit mode. Here's a little bit of vomit for ya!

Eh-LOW!!! (in my suckiest english accent, sorry english people) Let's see, what's been going on in my life...

• I lost 6 lbs, but my ass is still the same size. Yup, my boobs turned into bee stings & I still fit into the same pant size. But YAY for the 6lbs!?! I guess my body is going for the video hoe look.

• I've been super hormonal & bitchy lately. Not sure if it's because I'm the only girl in my house or if its a 30 something type of thing messing with my brain. Either way, I'm sure my kids & husband are loving my new split personality (Queen of hearts meets Kendra)

• I've been researching my ancestors & it's been a long boring process, but I have found some interesting crap. Apparently I'm mexican, thanks ancestry.com!

• I went thru a phase of wanting to be Harley Quinn for Halloween this year only to realize that I'm not down with wearing a skin tight costume that will most likely result in Camel Toe-Palooza. Soooo most likely I will end up dressing up as Selena (lets put my ass to good use!) OR the Sun Drop Booty dancing chick.

• I have commited to being a bridesmaid for one of my good friends that will be getting married in September. Can't wait to practice my Sun Drop booty dance at her reception. It will be broughten....until she pulls me aside & locks me in the coat closet.

• It's time to sell my Hoe. She's been a good Hoe but she drinks too much. I'm sure she'll be loved by someone else that will have all the cash to keep up with her drinking habits & use her like a true Hoe needs to be used. Anyone interested in a 2002 Chevy Tahoe?

That is all for now....wait one more thing! Yes I am aware that I say dumb stuff, Yes I am completely comfortable with the dumb stuff I say & Yes I am pretty aware that you most likely have the "wtf" look on your face while &/or after you read my blog posts....look...see? Told ya. Adios Bitches, thanks for wasting 2 minutes of your life on my blog! Love ya <3

Muffins VS Muffin Tops

I'm back bitches!

Sorry for the mini hiatus, sometimes shit gets cray-cray with kids crying in my face. Makes me all irriated when I'm trying to blog & the vadge droppings decide they wanna be all: moooom, I'm huuungry! mooooom, I gotta poop, moooooom, mom, mommy, mama...hi! Anyhow just  wanted to share a muffin recipe that I tried recently & loved! I <3 baking even though its super annoying when I'm trying to drop the poundage & still wanna eat like a fatty. Welcome to Baking 101 with Linda & her Muffin Top!

Rocky Road Chocolate Muffins ... NOM!

Ingrdients:

6 Tbsp of butter (melted & cooled)

8 oz of All Purpose Flour

2 oz of Unsweetened Cocoa

1 Tbsp Baking Powder

Pinch of Salt

1/2 cup of Super Fine Sugar  (you can blend regular sugar in the blender until it looks super fine)

1/2 cup of White Chocolate Chips

1 3/4 oz of Mini Mallows (cut in half)

2 Huevos

1 Cup of Milk

Nekid Baking is optional.

Preheat oven to 400 deg F

You'll need a 12 hole muffin/cupcake pan, Grease the bajeezus outta it. I use butter spray, you can use melted butter too. Once its all lubed up just set it aside for later.


Sift the: Flour, Cocoa, Baking Powder & Salt into a large bowl. 


Sir Mix a lot the: Sugar, White Chocolate Chips, & Mallows...Do a booty dance while mixing. This will remind you of exactly where the muffins will go once you shove them down your pie hole.


In a separate bowl: Beat the huevos lightly. Don't get all angry wife on them. Then beat in the milk & melted butter. Oh yes, I can already feel the sexy double chin growing beneath my fat face.


Make a well in the center of the dry ingredients. Make a wish: Please let these muffins make me skinny as shit with a Kardashian ass, I'm ok with my boobs, thankskbye! & Pour in the liquid beaten ingredients. 


Stir gently until just combined. Sir mix a little, don't over mix. Spoon the batter into the muffin pan (3/4 full) & bake for 20 minutes or until it looks like your tummy in low rise skinny jeans. Let cool for 5 minutes. You can eat them warm or cool, either way...I'm sure it'll fuck up our diets. 

Enjoy & your welcome!

Brain held hostage by beer

Ni Hao Lindonians!

Ok listen up, Today is Day 1 of P90X (yes again)  Oh the joy. Well it's not that I despise P90x or any other kind of exercise...it's more like: why the crap did I not exercise in my early 20's to maintain a lean & healthy body? Well the answer is: It has a lot to do with the whole "drunken" phase that took over my brain & held it hostage for almost a decade. I can't really say "fuck your face awesomely fun drunk phase" Because...obviously, I liked it! But apparently it gave my body a bad allergic reaction & it got all swollen & puffy.

Here's what I have learned from my Drunken Hostage Phase:

• Beer is awesome.
• Tequila is only good if you like to vomit.
• Wine is the "pinky in the air choice of drink" of drunk bitches that love grapes.
• I <3 grapes.
• Grape Drank!!!
• Shots: doodoopeepeecaca.
• The "Beer before liquor" crap is a myth, but kudos to you if you don't give a shit.
• Vodka & I have a love-hate relationship.
• Becoming drunk may lead to putting stuff in your mouth. Like hot dogs. Hold the mayo please.
• Vommiting in the a.m. does not reverse the massive calorie intake from your drunken night.
• Always place a can of soda by your bed when you know you'll be returning home drunk.
• Drinking & Driving: Don't do it. You might end up getting bailed out from Las Cotijas.
• Drinking stronger beer= Less calorie intake for me because I'll be drunk with 3.

So in summation: I'm fat because I've been drinking like there was a beer fest in my mouth every weekend. Now that I'm older, drunk nights hurt more the next day, which is now a great thing! It's much easier to come to a good compromise between losing weight & my drunken habits. So here goes my first round of P90x for 2012. Goals: Get down to a size 5/6 (my ass is fat& not in a good way) Lose 10 lbs, Be able to rock a 2 piece by June, Be able to snap someones neck with my thighs. Wish me luck!

That is all for now, Cheers & Good day!

Welcome to Linda Land, Population 1 (for now)

Friday January 20th, 2012.....first of all, holy ball-sack! Wasn't New Years like a day ago? Time does fly as you get older. Maybe the older you get the more your brain tries to tele-pathetically tell you to hurry the crap up so it can finally retire? That made perfect sense to me.

I don't really have anything to blog about for my first blog EVER! Kinda just giving my fans/little people/ok i lied, my mom....a taste of what to expect from my blog. So for starters...

1. I cuss & if I cuss at it you...it means I <3 you.
2. So get used to it fucktards
    2.a. I'll be offensive & politically incorrect sometimes.
    2.b. Or not to be, I will be random.
3. I'm glad you're still reading this.
4. My blog posts will not all suck like this one.
5. You've made it this far! I can tell we're gonna be besties (thanks mom)

Welcome to Linda Land, you're officially a Linda-Landonian? .... Landian? You get it, welcome, enjoy, do not litter.